There are common misunderstandings about boundaries and I think the world would be a better place if we cleared those up, so here are my contributions to clarity:
1) Boundaries are not to change the behavior of another person. Boundaries are only for changing your own behavior.
Some people use the word, "boundary", in order to manipulate others. Whether we are attempting to control their emotions, behaviors, or activities, it is unethical to utilize boundaries to control someone else. Despite our beliefs or needs, one person can NOT control another person and trying to trick them into thinking we can is wrong.
Boundaries are simply telling yourself and others what you will and will not participate in. I will no longer participate in the consequences of your poor decisions. I will no longer participate in your need to control my emotions.
The other person will continue to do whatever they feel empowered to do, but you are saying what you won't do. You cannot set a boundary and then get mad because the person doesn't alter their behavior. That isn't the point of a boundary.
2) Emotional manipulation could lead you to create boundaries, but the boundary is only as good as you are strong to enforce it.
If you have someone in your life that constantly tells you, "I'm going to be mad" or "If you do....., I'll love you so much" then you, too, have experienced emotional manipulation. Boundaries are the only thing that can change that. But if you say that you aren't going to participate in that behavior any longer and continue to participate, the manipulation has been enforced as working. It will be harder next time.
3) Resentment is your body's way of warning you that a boundary has been missed.
You may have failed to see the boundary or you may have set the boundary, but fallen into the trap, but resentment is our warning system that we are doing something that has crossed a line. Our temptation is to blame the other person. "I can't believe they guilted me into doing that!" but this cedes our responsibility for our own actions. The other person has nothing to do with your actions and choices. You are the only person who made those.
Let's go forward and make good choices and set fair boundaries. May your holidays be fantastic!
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