The Second Agreement: Finding Freedom from Taking Things Personally

Have you ever received feedback that left you feeling defensive or misunderstood? For many who carry the weight of trauma, those moments can strike a deeper chord than the words themselves.

At Keystone Innovators, we believe healing often begins when we learn to see ourselves clearly—separate from the projections of others. One of the most powerful tools for this journey comes from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, especially the second agreement: “Don’t Take Anything Personally.”

Why Feedback Can Feel So Personal

When I’m given feedback, especially in leadership settings, I notice my deepest trigger comes when my integrity or honesty is questioned. These values are at the very core of who I am, so any suggestion otherwise feels threatening.

Through reflection, I realized this reaction may be connected to my past. As a child, I was manipulated to appear deceptive during an abusive relationship with a trusted adult. At the same time, my father—who was both my hero and my source of pain—treated me as though I could not be trusted. Those experiences planted seeds of self-doubt that grew into a constant need to defend my truth.

Shifting the Perspective

Here’s where the second agreement becomes life-changing. What if feedback is less about me—and more about what’s going on inside the other person?

When I look at it that way, I see that sometimes criticism comes from someone else’s discomfort, fear, or avoidance. It may not be a reflection of my worth at all. Recognizing this helps me step back and respond with empathy rather than defensiveness.

Practicing the Second Agreement with Grace

Applying this agreement doesn’t mean ignoring feedback or refusing to grow. Instead, it invites me to pause and ask:

• Does this critique truly apply to me?

• If not, what might it reveal about the other person’s struggles?

• How can I respond with grace instead of internalizing their pain?

When we practice this kind of empathy, we free ourselves from unnecessary burdens and open the door to healthier relationships.

An Invitation to You

If you find yourself carrying the weight of others’ words, pause and ask: Am I taking this personally—or is this about them?

Learning to make that distinction is not easy, especially for those healing from trauma. But with practice, it creates space for freedom, compassion, and a stronger sense of self.

At Keystone Innovators, we walk alongside you in this journey—reminding you that your story, your truth, and your integrity are never defined by the voices around you.

👉 Reflection Prompt: Think of a recent piece of feedback or criticism you received. What happens when you view it through the lens of the second agreement? Does it still hold the same power over you?

Break the Chains of Other's Judgement